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09/15/2025

I've been rebuilding the site, slowly deleting old content to better streamline it and make something worth looking at. I've been really depressed for a while now, after finally getting a job at another bookstore, it closed back in july and jobhunting has been... Difficult. Seems like the only people that want me just want someone they can take advantage of and work to death, or are pyramid schemes.

Haven't had energy or motivation to write in months, tried reviving an old RP with a friend but they've been dealing with family shit that's been sapping all of their energy so it's looking grim on that front. I finally have my craft desk cleaned up and clear, but I usually just end up sitting at it, staring at the surface uninspired and unmotivated.

No matter what I do, I can't seem to succeed anywhere. Nothing gives me real joy anymore, at best I have a fleeting hit of dopamine before the world greys out again. I was hoping working on the site might give me something to do, but what do I even have to offer here that anyone would be interested in? I'll just be screaming into the void again, I guess.

Been trying to make myself draw, but the motivation is vanishing there as well. Partner keeps telling me I need to force it until something breaks through, but nothing's doing it. I just feel purposless and empty. But is that any better than feeling drained and unappreciated? I don't want to work, but I know I have to. Every job ends the same, I come home and am exhausted no matter what I'm doing. Slaving away in a warehouse while all my male coworkers stand around and talk about basketball has the exact same results as sitting around all day browsing my phone in a shop with no customers. I've worked with a lot of coworkers and I've been the only one, and both have the same results.

Partner is encouraging me to take more walks now that it's finally cooling off, but there's only so many laps I can do around this small town, and even less since they've torn up main street in a VERY ill-advised downtown revitalization project.

Don't really know how to end this post, so I guess I'll just-